


we lie awake at night

by dirtmemer



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Pocket Monsters: Red & Green & Blue & Yellow | Pokemon Red Green Blue Yellow Versions
Genre: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Trauma, eleven year olds with trauma, green's had a real shitty childhood, pokemon is fucked up my dudes, red is sad and awkward
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-12 05:03:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9056497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dirtmemer/pseuds/dirtmemer
Summary: The thing is- the thing is. It's the tragedy of it all, Red thinks, as he feeds a handful of berries to Pikachu- the thing is this: Red had zero interest in pokemon before he'd met Green. And it was irony- probably, in the way people seem to regard him with something uncomfortably similar to hero worship- as the kid who brought down Team Rocket on his own- when he was just trying, as always, to make Green look at him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> _I feel so funny these days_  
>  _I'd rather sleep than stay awake_  
>  _Trees used to talk to me_  
>  _Now I know what's real and what is fake_  
>  _Now I know what's real, what's fake_  
>  _Rather sleep than stay awake_  
>  -I'd Rather Sleep, Kero Kero Bonito

"What do you _want_ , Red," said Green, when Red had tried to pat his shoulder, and he'd looked sad, and he'd looked angry, and he'd stared at the floor of the Champion's Chamber determinedly not looking at Red. He had his grandfather's pendant around his neck and his eevee's pokeball in his hand- rubbing circles on the surface with his thumb, small cut off movements- and he'd looked admirably composed. 

Professor Oak had said, disapprovingly, "I'm disappointed in you, Green," in his severe _I'm-an-adult-you-will-listen-to-me_ tone, and Green's shoulders crumpled in on themselves like paper in a fist- the only sign of Green's well-bottled emotions. 

"Yeah," Green said, quietly. "Yeah- I'm. Yeah." 

Red had stood there, in awkward silence, his hand still on its trajectory- set for Green's shoulder, and Green- Green with his fists curled and his face blank-smooth, expressionless- with his cracked glass calm and composure- had turned away and started walking out of the room. It hurt to look at him- the stiff, miserable way he held himself- but it'd hurt more to look away. 

"Congratulations, Red," Professor Oak had said, the disapproval in his tone retreating along with Green- and Red watched as Green walked away from the man who didn't love him. 

 

*

 

The thing is- the thing is. It's the tragedy of it all, Red thinks, as he feeds a handful of berries to Pikachu- the thing is this: Red had zero interest in pokemon before he'd met Green. And it was irony- probably, in the way people seem to regard him with something uncomfortably similar to hero worship- as the kid who brought down Team Rocket on his own- when he was just trying, as always, to make Green look at him. 

As it ends up, everyone except Green is looking at him now. 

He goes back to Pallet after the painful Elite Four battle, after passing the mantle back to Lance- cause he's barely twelve and there's nothing for him in paperwork and legalities, and his mom says, " _Red,_ " full of relief, and Red locks his door to wallow properly in his own fetid misery. 

It's bullshit. Red's hands shake now. Whenever he dreams- it's of Giovanni- looming, imposing, terrifyingly large and adult. Whenever he goes out for a stroll, there are calls of _hey, it's that kid who took down Team Rocket!_ or _hey, it's the Champion!_ and his hands will shake and it's just, that, it's just bullshit. 

He misses Green so much it hurts, like a knife in the soft part between his ribs. 

His mom says, "I'm glad you're back," softly, sometimes, when she's cooking or cleaning or putting on makeup. She ruffles his hair and steadies his hands and says, "Red." Just Red. Nothing else. And he'll rest his head on her- a point of contact, until he can breathe normally, and she will look at him with dark, pitying eyes. 

It's not like he can do anything about that. He lies on his bed and only lets Pikachu out of his pokeball- the rest are gathering dust somewhere, a sort of stasis. Pikachu doesn't like it- he pokes and prods and pleads at Red, but it's a sort of impossibility now, looking at anything pokemon related for too long sends him into another slow spiraling anxiety- and his dreams, they'll come back. 

"Sorry," Red says to Pikachu, offering another handful of berries, to make peace.

Pikachu bites his hand, steals all the berries, and curls up under Red's bed to sulk. 

He misses Green so much it hurts. 

 

*

 

Green comes back to Pallet with little fanfare. He slips into the lab quietly, without anyone noticing. It's Daisy who tells Red's mom, and Red's mom tells Red- right when he's trying to pull out the weeds from her garden, and she doesn't even give him the courtesy to look surprised when he tears out of the backyard over to the lab. 

Green is there. He looks- almost the same, actually, his smile hanging on the same thread- a barely there smirk, standing tall and healthy, chatting with one of Professor Oak's researchers. His hair is longer, curling at the nape of his neck, at the edges of his face. He looks good- happy, cheerful. Nothing like- like the time. That time. 

"Green," Red says hesitantly. Green turns around to look at him, and the smile instantly drops off his face. 

"Red," Green says. He's polite, and he doesn't insult Red. It's- it's strange. Wrong. 

"You're- uh. You're here," Red says, dumbly, completely lost. 

Green gives him an awkward little smile before rubbing at his mouth, and says, "Yeah, I'm- um. I'm back for a bit." 

Red nods. _I missed you,_ he wants to say, but his throat is thick and his tongue is heavy and his words are all stuck. The only sound he manages to make is a stupid _huh,_ and Green's awkward smile turns a little bit brittle. 

Green makes an aborted gesture at him, says, "I- uh. I need to go- see my sister." 

"I'll walk you," Red blurts out. 

"Um," Green says. "Sure." 

When they walk, they fall into step. Together, step by step by step, and Red looks at the side of Green's face, small and stark in the setting sun. They don't talk, the quiet solid and heavy around them, and- god, it's just _awful,_ it's so awkward it's painful, it's not even the good kind of quiet, it's just Green not knowing what to say, and Red not knowing what to say, and they both have no idea how to just open their mouths and get years of their badly handled emotional shitstorm out and over with, and everything is just- fucking _terrible._

"So," Red says. "Where did you go?" 

"Kalos," Green says, and they both lapse back into terrible thick silence. 

Red walks Green to his house. His mom is peering at them, from over the hedges, and decides to come to his rescue, because she's a great mom. 

"If it isn't Green Oak himself!" she says loudly. Green startles terribly, his awkward not-smile slipping back into place. 

"Oh," Green says. "Um. Hi." 

Red shoves his hands into his pockets. His mom fusses over Green dramatically. "I'm gonna-" he says, absconds into his house, and goes to collapse onto his bed. 

 

*

 

"I'm leaving for Viridian," Green says. He's brushing his eevee's fur. She purrs, quietly. Pikachu rests heavy in Red's lap, trying to take a nap. 

"Okay," Red says. The silences are still there, still awkward. But it's been getting better. Green's been less like a stranger and more of himself- less held together, more comfortable in Red's presence- like a reacquaintance. "When?" 

"Tomorrow," Green says. "I got the position as Gym Leader. I got Lance's email today." 

"Oh," Red says. Viridian Gym means- has always meant- Giovanni. In his dreams, in his brain. Red has to recalibrate his head- Viridian Gym is Green's now. "Viridian Gym, huh?"

"Sorry," Green says, like he knows what Red is thinking. He's picked up this habit- from who knows where- of apologizing for things that aren't really his fault at all, of apologizing to Red. Strange things. 

"You don't have to be- " Red says, and it comes out angrier and more bitter than he'd like. "-don't be fucking- _sorry,_ you don't even have anything to do with it in the first place-" his voice is getting louder and louder, now, out of control, Pikachu scampering off his lap, "-I don't _want_ you to _apologize,_ it's _NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS-_ " 

The worst thing Red's ever seen in his life is this: Green, with longer hair, curled against the edges of his face- flinching back, away from Red like- like Red is _dangerous_ , like he's something- someone to be wary of. And. It's fucking terrible. Red's head hurts, so badly, and Green presses himself back against the wall like he's trapped with nowhere to run. 

"I didn't mean- " Green says. "I'm- I'm not- "

"No," Red says, sick to his stomach. "No- no, no _stop_ , don't- I'm not angry." 

"Well, fuck," Green says, his voice shaking so badly it's barely audible. "I dunno Red, you sure _sounded_ like you were angry just now, cause of all the _yelling_." 

"Shit," Red says. "Shit. I'm- I wasn't. I'm not. Angry. I'm just- frustrated, you know? It's just. You're moving on- going places- and I'm stuck here with fucking _nightmares_ about fucking Giovanni. And- I just- I'm so fucking _stupid._ " 

Green makes a quiet, wet little noise. It's not quite agreement, but it's not a negation, either. His eevee is growling at Red now, sharp and steady. She looks like she's ready to bite him if Green asks. She looks like she's ready to bite him even if Green doesn't ask. 

"It's not fun," Green says. "Being second best." 

"It's not like that." 

"Isn't it?" Green picks up his brush from where he'd dropped it- from shock, from fright, from _Red_ \- and resumes his dedicated brushing, and to his credit, his hands only tremble a little. His eevee settles down, her ears pressed close to her scalp warily. Pikachu climbs back into Red's lap. He's already gotten used to Red's mood swings, Red thinks guiltily. He shakes out a handful of berries from his pouch and offers them to Pikachu as a shitty apology. Pikachu takes them, pats his hand with a paw, and rolls one over to Green's eevee, who turns her nose up at it. "You're scared of being left behind. And now you're taking it out on me because you don't want to be left here and you clearly have some issues that you need to work out." 

"Okay," Red says. "Okay, you have a point. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you." 

Green shrugs. "It's fine. I'm used to it." 

"It's not _fine,_ " Red says. "That's a fucking terrible thing to be used to." 

"We're not trying to compare who's life is shittier, Red," Green says. "We're trying to talk about feelings. So _talk_."

"That time when I beat you," Red says. 

"You'll have to clarify," Green says, dryly. 

"For the Champion title," Red says, and Green lets out a soft snort to show that he's listening. "I've always. That was when I realised that I like you- I think." 

"You think," Green says. 

"Yeah," Red says. "I still like you- a lot. So- um. There's that." 

"Red," Green says. "You are so fucking dumb." 

"Yeah," Red says, picking at Pikachu's fur meditatively. "I guessed as much." 

Green sighs. The lines of his mouth are considerably softer, as he tilts his head to one side and contemplates Red for a bit. 

"Well, it's not every day that I get confessed to, so here's a gift." 

Green tosses a pokeball over. Red fumbles to catch it. 

"I stole it from Gramps," Green says, grinning something small and quiet and endlessly familiar. "It's a Blastoise, by the way. If he asks, you've never seen it. Okay?" 

Red laughs, despite himself. It feels- clean. Like a healing wound, or something. 

Green nudges at him with a sharp elbow. "...and this one." 

He deposits another pokeball into Red's hands. It's a familiar one, old and worn. "This isn't- "

"Yeah," Green says, softly. "I think you'll need him more than I do." 

"I can't- " 

"Please. He'll be happier," Green says. 

"Pika," Pikachu adds his two cents. 

"Green- " 

"Take care of him for me, okay? He's a little grumpy, but he's a sweetheart, I swear." 

"Green," Red says, clipping Charizard's pokeball onto his belt. "Can I kiss you?" 

Green laughs. 

"No fucking way." 

 

*

 

A month after Green moves to Viridian, Red finds pamphlets about Mount Silver shoved carelessly under his door. He confronts his mom about it, and she says, too cheerfully, "I'm kicking you out of the house, dear!" 

"Mom, no," Red says. 

"Mom, yes!" She says gleefully. "No son of mine pines for a month! Mount Silver is convenient, darling. It's perfect for pokemon training, it's beautiful, and it's right above Viridian! Isn't that great?" 

" _Mom, no,_ " Red says. 

"That's it, decision made," she says. "I've already packed your bags! Come home if you need anything!" 

" _Mom,_ oh my god," Red says. 

"Don't get frostbite," she says. "And when you come back I hope you'd have gotten at least half your shit together." 

"There's just no winning against you, is there?" Red says. 

"I'm afraid not," she says. "I'm your mother, sweetheart!" 

"I love you," Red says fondly. His mom pinches his cheek, and it hurts like hell. 

"I know," she says. 

 

*

 

Mount Silver is- an experience. 

The first few nights, he wakes up freezing- with his gradually lessening nightmares- and his motoric system busted to hell. The first few nights, he can barely do anything but shake his bones to dust, huddled miserably around the fire Charizard's made and maintaining along with all his other pokemon. 

The first few nights were fucking terrible. 

It gets better. Red gets better at rationing his food supplies, at scavenging for bits of dry wood, even does a bit of hunting off on his own. He figures out Pikachu-powered electricity. It's pretty great, actually. He doesn't get his shit together, but at least he's only half as traumatised as he was when he was twelve, which is decent character development he can get behind. Everything is good and great and better, and then his mom gets tired of his waffling and sends Green up with vengeance. 

"I can't believe you've been stuck up here for this long," Green mutters, eyeing his cave with thinly veiled disapproval. His eevee tackles Red's pikachu and smothers him in affection. At least _one_ of them has their love life worked out. 

"Before you say anything else," Red says. "Everything was my mom's idea." 

"I know," Green says. "You're both equally crazy," and then he gets squashed by Charizard, who is wagging his tail eagerly, bumping his head against Green's like a huge puppy. It's cute. The way Charizard follows Green around- like he's scared of Green disappearing into thin air- sort of reminds Red of himself. 

"I still really like you," Red says. 

Green's mouth goes soft and his smile is the sweetest thing Red has ever seen for a long time. It socks Red low in his gut. "I know," he says. "But you still can't kiss me." 

"It was worth a try." 

Green laughs. "I'll let you kiss me if someone beats you in a battle." 

Red raises his eyebrows. "Those are really high stakes." 

"I'm very high maintenance," Green says. 

"I know," Red says. "But I like you anyways. I'm dumb shit all the way down, you know?" 

Green laughs, and the sound of it is like sunshine.

They sit together, in the crackling warmth of Charizard's fire, until they both get cramps in their legs, and afterwards, Red shows Green how to pick the bones out of a freshly roasted magikarp without burning his fingers.

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be sad but i can't write sad stuff. also this was loosely based off a pokemon kink meme prompt that i cant find that went something like this: the only reason red became a pokemon trainer was to get green's attention but it backfired sucks to be him. red is sort of sad and awkward and i like him like that.


End file.
